Pursuit of Happiness

Lately I’ve found myself to be in a state of complete negativity towards everything. For some reason all I could think of myself is a great big joke that everyone’s just having a good laugh over. I seem to be clouded in this paranoia that everyone’s making fun of me and talking ill behind my back. I can’t really prove it, but I get this certain vibe, this strong instinct that I’ve never had before. Did I ever do anything to deserve to have this kind of bother in my head?

It’s turning me into a total pessimist nowadays. I can’t even smile at anyone thinking they’ve probably been talking crap about me before. I think I can safely blame the people around me, not that they might have been doing it intentionally but because their actions have caused me to react differently. I feel like I’ve become ‘bahan ketawa’ and not only that, I feel like everyone’s only got something negative to say about me.

I guess the worst thing in my opinion is all this is not just rooting from one thing, but rather a combination of others. People who only reveal themselves behind your back, I don’t even want to start on that. I feel that some good friends of mine have turned their backs on me, whispering out every flaw I have amongst themselves. I honestly do not know what is about me that is causing this, but I realize the more paranoid I’ve become, it lessens my ability to trust and talk with other people. Hence, I’ve been pretty much lonely for the last few months with no one to confide in or let alone hang out with.

Maybe it’s also the fact that I’ve been going through this whole ‘I don’t deserve to be happy’ phase. This year has been filled with experiences that exactly lead to that. I think I’ve let myself to indulge in so much guilt and to believe I actually deserve it has eventually turned me to someone who thinks only the bad is going to happen to him. It’s making me socially unstable, I’m constantly finding myself lacking that confidence within me. I realized this when I was going through pictures from 2-5 years ago, I seemed to just be able to flow with everything, and I was having a happy relationship with my family and friends. Now that I think of it, I think I went through some kind of transformation in the last 2 years. I can’t quite pinpoint on it, but I’m afraid I don’t think I’m the same person I was few years ago. That’s the person who I would’ve wanted to stay as.

By the way, I’m sorry if this all sounds too high school to be blogged about, but I think I should just write this down as a personal note. Maybe publicly admitting my insecurities will help me get a sense of humor that’ll help me laugh all this off. Getting back to the story, maybe everyone has been reacting to this new side of me. Either that or they’re just showing the real sides now. I hate to be someone who’s in denial, but I would probably accept all this if I believed that I’ve done some wrongs to people in recent times. Maybe unintentionally, but I’ve always wanted to treat people in the best attitude and even trained myself to be tolerant of people’s nature. If that’s not the right thing to do, then I don’t even want to know what is.

I really hope all this is just a phase, not an indication of me growing up or becoming a totally different person. I miss being happy, having a good laugh about anything, and just generally being positive. I really don’t want to become this person I think I am now, though the situation is harder than I think it is to overcome. To be honest, I’ve been feeling completely miserable. I think it’s beginning to surface and I fear it’s going to change me. If you are a friend still reading up to this point, I never meant to offend you or harm you emotionally. I myself don’t know why I’ve had to deal with this.

It’s been quite a year (as I’ve said many times), had to deal with being the bad guy, though I’m sure anyone could understand. But that’s expected, and I accept that. It’s just the amount of emotional stress is having quite an effect on me. Nothing to fall back on and just laugh it all off like in the old days. It’s always just that all the way through.

With all this said, I’m not saying I feel like I’ve been cursed; God has truly been very generous to me. I have a job, (which is challenging but what job isn’t right?) I’m doing music videos, I have a stable home, and I’m starting to think of the bigger picture over everything. My passion is still here and I can say to myself I haven’t been lazy like I was before. I’m working on improving myself in a lot of aspects and I find myself in a constant state of learning, which is good I guess.

Everybody’s got problems, right? I know you probably wouldn’t share yours, but what the heck. We’re only humans. Like Kanye said, ‘we all self conscious; I’m just the first to admit it.’

gyeah

mooha!

Some win, some lose.. Some you win, some you lose..

Do we lose something as a sacrifice to win something else? If you win big, does that mean you’ve got to lose big as well? I wonder what it really takes to win big. I’m sure it doesn’t just involve hard work alone, right.. Maybe you have to be born a winner as well, or raised as one. Might not be explaining this sensibly, ahh. This blog is turning into the Great Depression all over again.

Man, the past two weeks have been very very random. Funny, weird and sweet little things I’m not sure of what to make of have been happening all throughout. My stay in Brunei has been quite eventful, surprisingly. I still don’t know what lies ahead of me, but maybe that’s a good thing. Should I just wait till something good pops out of thin air or grab every opportunity I get? The latter probably sounds more realistic.

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In other news, the Micbandits video is coming together fine, just having to deal with a lot of pressure of making it really good. I have viewers who are very difficult to please but it’s all a good challenge I guess.

Just finished a pre-wedding video for this wedding ceremony, and got quite a few good feedbacks when it was viewed. A relative of the couple even asked for a copy, so I’m quite flattered… But the couple really loved it, which was more than enough to make me satisfied. The wedding was really fun. Small, intimate and beootiful. Making the video was lots of fun too, though time wasn’t always on our side. I will definitely miss it.

Haven’t written this much in a while, usually when I get this far everything looks too confused to be put of to public so I save myself from the embarrassment. Aah.. Me and my philosophies.. I need a reality check.

Quite a year this has been.. Should’ve kept a journal. Hahaaaaaaaa. Take care fam.